The last year has been pretty rough. Without going into too much detail for the public eye (those who know us personally know the issues), let's just say that we've had to deal with more than the average family drama.
Enter therapy. I've never been in therapy before. I've always known that mental health issues were hereditary, so I figured I had some form of bipolar or depression like my mom. My mood swings weren't that drastic, so I just coped with it in my own way. However, with as much stress as I'd experienced last year, my mood swings were getting out of hand. I couldn't cope as well as I used to, so I just needed a little help. I called EAP at work and started seeing a therapist periodically. Little did I know where that would lead...
I was certain my mood swings meant bipolar. Maybe they still do, but my doctor doesn't think so. However, all those little personality quirks I'd had when I was a kid were apparently more than just being highly intelligent and gifted. When I was growing up, anything I saw as mundane, or routine, busy work was the worst punishment. I couldn't focus on anything that bored me, no matter how much I wanted to. Big projects overwhelmed me so much that my mom would simply do them for me, rather than battling with me to do my own work. However, if it was something I was interested in, I was a sponge for information.
Looking back, maybe I had ADHD all along. Maybe not. All I know is that this diagnosis seems to make sense. My doctor prescribed a low dose, non-stimulant ADHD medication and an even lower dose mood stabilizer. I don't feel drugged, sluggish, or overly hyper. I feel free. I can focus at work and get my job done, as opposed to feeling like I'm drowning in catch-up work. Unlike previous attempts at antidepressants, I don't feel like a robot or a zombie. I can cry, laugh, and feel. I still get angry occasionally, but I don't fly off the handle and start screaming for little things. I'm certain that prescription drugs are not the final answer, but they certainly have their place in recovery. Now I'm working on becoming more mindful, less stressed, and more centered. I seek joy in the little things again, which I hadn't done in quite some time. I may not find it all the time, but at least I'm looking.
